One of my favorite coworkers is Jeff Hoshiko. In the lab, we think he is so great that we made a list of facts about him. These are the Jeff Facts:
1. Jeff doesn't walk: he hovers, moving his feet only to fit in.
2. If you stare into Jeff's eyes long enough, you can see the future.
3. Jeff doesn't have to pay for lapdances; he just pays so the dancers
don't feel so badly about their lack of self-control.
4. Jeff doesn't make molecular magnets, the spins align in adoration of
the god also known as Jeff.
5. Jeff is 5'5"; close to the earth, so he can strike you down when you
least expect it.
6. Jeff can speak Braille, Latin, Swahili, and Canadian Sign Language.
7. If you strike Jeff down, he will become more powerful than you can
possibly imagine.
8. Jeff has black hair, which serves as his cloak of invisibility in the
night hours.
9. Jeff's favorite movie is Pulp Fiction. What most people don't know, is
Pulp Fiction was originally named "The Life and Times of Jeff". But Samuel
L. Jackson was so unconvincingly Jeff, a name change was necessary. (He
wasn't tough enough.)
10. Jeff doesn't poop. His digestive system is so efficient that he uses
every digested molecule for energy (and converts extra carbon to
diamonds).
11. The diamond mines of Africa are Jeff's commodes. A common
misconception is that blood diamonds are so named because of the violence
surrounding their acquisition. However, they are actually the result of
Jeff eating too many beets.
12. Jeff hates white people.
13. Max: izzo
Min: iyyo
14. If you meet Jeff in a dark alley, it isn't a question of whether you
will survive, or even how long. It is merely a question of how much of his
greatness he cares to bestow in you.
15. Jeff was born on June 10, 1983, as predicted by Nostradomus.
16. Jeff was once stranded in the Amazon for 2 months, during which time
he became the leader of a band of spider monkeys. He survived by eating
berries, anacondas, and mutineering spider monkeys, which he caught with
his bare hands.
17. Jeff convinved a grizzley bear to skin itself by handing it a knife
and saying "shave".
18. Jeff escaped from the jungle by creating a flying machine out of only
leaves, animal bones, the elastic band from his underwear, and a
helicopter with a full tank of gas.
And that's all we have to say about Jeff. Of at least all we had room for on the whiteboard. And in honor of Jeff, here is a video starring his one true love:
Want more? Bananas, melonas, yeah.
